Reaching Deathperation
by Reincarnated Koala
Summary: O.C./S.I. Life wasn't easy, death was unexpectedly violent, rebirth was confusing as hell and re-life is proving itself to be a bitch. Why was I trying again? Ah, yes. Yoshi-chan is too adorable to leave alone, let's hope little Itoko doesn't get me killed too soon. Who am I kidding! I'm so dead...Warning: raiting may go up
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Limbo (whishing it was the game)

If anyone asked someone who knew Cassandra Cassidy what she was afraid off the person would scoff and say that if that woman feared something then they would run for cover for the world must surely be ending.

Cassandra was the daughter of Cleon Cassidy, an ex soldier part of the Bravo Company of the First Battalion on the Special Forces, and Rei Cassidy, a kind hearted medic. They met when Rei worked at the medical facilities on the Torii Station. Cleon fell in love with the half Japanese doctor when she was stitching him up and he was half delusional because of blood loss, he would say that to him she looked like an angel.

Cassandra grew to be a fearless woman, she could beat any man twice her size without breaking a sweat and patch him up just as easily… to beat him again if she so wanted.

Even so this wouldn't help her at all this time…

After all the training I went through, all the blood, the tears… I knew I should have said no to this stupid camping trip! But no! We graduated from The Academy and we _had to_ celebrate! And we couldn't celebrate like normal people do and go to some bar and get drunk! Nooo! That's for _losers_! We are so bad-ass that we go to extreme camping trips to celebrate! Yeah! Extreme!

That's it until a bear eats you…

Not so extreme then.

Cassandra Cassidy 30/10/1994 - 24/05/2015

Mauled by a bear

Lived to the extreme

Died _also_ to the extreme

XXX

Year 1

I'm not gonna talk about my brief and un-documentable time in the no-where/no-when, as I like to call my pre-re-life. Yes, it is all very confusing. No more confusing to you than it was for me, that I can confirm. Nor am I going to talk about what came to be my re-introduction to life. That is, without resetting the hardware. Or would it be the software? I have after all a new body, yet my time as Cass is still fresh in my mind.

My time as a baby was confusing and painful. Very painful. Whenever I started thinking it would be like self-combustion. I recently have been able to curb the need to scream my head off. The only way to release _some_ of the pain was blanking my mind. So instead of the screaming pudgy ball of horror, what my parents were probably expecting, I was a zombiefied baby with random moments of hysterical screaming. Blanking my mind was seriously hard, especially when they insisted in communicating with me. They spoke Japanese! I mean I can talk Japanese; Mom would have killed me if I didn't, but my brain was wired for English and translating what they said wasn't therapeutic for my mind.

So, I tried to ignore them as much as I could. Some things would stick though. Like I knew that my new name was Naomi. My new mother's name was Nana. My new father's name was Shin. The name Nanami was often said but I haven't been able to tie it to someone, yet. My mother was a beautiful woman and disturbingly cheerful persons. My father was … a rather sad man. Or at least that was the impression he gave me. Now that I think about it my new mother also had sadness surrounding her.

Oh, well. It's not like I can do anything about it. It's enough that I must control the urge of screaming all the time. Cheer is not in my vocabulary for now.

XXX

Year 2

I'm a little ashamed. I made a huge misinterpretation. Apparently Nana is not oka-san but oba-san. The illusive Nanami was my mother and also Nana's sister. Her late sister. Apparently she was a rather fragile woman and the pregnancy was too hard for her. She died during the delivery.

How do I know all this? Because Auntie is now pregnant and worried about her possible death. Dad has tried to console her but he's not helping much. Her husband is off on another country and that makes her even more stressed.

I'm not really sure how to react to this. I know I should feel worried and what not, the woman was the closest thing I had to a mother!, but I'm rather numb. I have theorized that's a side effect of all the meditating I did/do so my brain doesn't fry itself. I might have a dissociative disorder. That's kind off messed up.

Yet, I would rather have that than a head on fire.

The pain that comes with maintaining my faculties hasn't abated at all. I don't really think it's a fair exchange. There is literally a fire burning constantly inside my head. If I let go of my control over my mind then I fear I will die. I'm now able to think …somewhat.

My mind has always been overactive. Various thoughts going around my head without rhyme or reason were the norm. My attention span has always been a struggle for me. I prefer to let my mind run wild, I'm smart enough that it never caused much of a problem academically, some extra hours of studying to review wouldn't kill me.

Problem is that if I let myself loose, it burns. If my emotions go above indifferent with a slight edge of emotion, it burns. If I try to think about multiple points of view, it burns. If I try to divide my attention in more than one thing, you guessed it, **_it burns_**.

This isn't exactly healthy. At least not for me. I have to always maintain a single thread of thought while always being as objective as possible and not let anything distract me. If I have to exchange to another topic I have to cut my thoughts and start the new one after. This also includes language. I had to force myself to only think in Japanese, to think in English and then translate it or in reverse hurts like hell. So no English for me. Not much of a problem since I don't talk at all, I prefer to just listen. Even so I do practice making sounds and inarticulate so I don't have a problem if I do decide to speak.

Auntie and Dad were rightly worried about my behavior and took me to several doctors. I was misdiagnosed with autism. The general consensus is that I probably have a mild Asperger Syndrome at the very least but too young to properly test.

Go me! Great job pretending to be normal! At least if you screw up again and they think you are a genius then you have an out!

XXX

Year 3

Good news! Nobody died! Auntie and my little Itoko are fine. His name is Tsunayoshi and I guess he's cute. I had a lot of trouble choosing a nickname for him. On one hand we had Tuna-chan but in the other we had Yoshi and as an ardent player of Mario Bros that had a lot of weight. In the end it was my Uncle that made my choice easy. He loved calling Itoko his little Tuna-fish.

I detest my Uncle.

So Yoshi it was.

Fuck you, Iemitsu.

Fuck! My head is killing me! I have to cool down!

XXX

Year 4

I have made up my mind.

Yoshi-chan is cute, like super cute. Whenever his bastard of a father comes to visit he always runs and hides from him behind me. Smart kid. Any other time he follows behind me like my own little duckling. Now if only he gave me less headaches.

Itoko made me happy, too happy. Any emotion in too much quantity made me sick. That included all the others feels he gave me. Too many feels!

But I couldn't stop loving him and dammit if that didn't hurt.

I have to find a new way to lessen the burn. Or Yoshi-chan will be the death of me.

The little bastard even forced me to talk. He was reaching for a knife and Auntie wasn't paying attention. I screamed "No!" and he squealed. Dad and Auntie were overjoyed when such instances repeated themselves. The little suicidal bastard made me scream several times. After they were reassured that yes, I could talk; they wouldn't let me continue my silence.

I founded out that them annoying me was more painful than speaking.

XXX

Year 5

"I can learn more at home." This was my last chance to reason with Dad. I was in the entrance and however unlikely, there was still time to go back.

Only he was being obtuse.

"You need to socialize. Consider it practice." His smile couldn't be faker if he tried. So maybe I had been a little annoying in the way.

Whatever, I don't want to deal with this.

My derisive scoff was meant to transfer my sentiments. I had already wasted too many words and my head had started burning.

"Come on, Mimi. Nana is going to pick you up with Tsuna and will take you both to the park. Won't that make it worth it?" he was pleading with me and it made me feel mildly guilty.

I hope my headache doesn't get worse.

He sighed. "Come on, Naomi. Give me a hug and go inside" and so I did.

And faced darkness so dark that no other could match.

Kindergarten.

My horrible, sticky, screeching and highly disturbing enemy.

Will I fall? Will I rise? Will…

"Get inside already, Naomi."

And so I did. I don't want to traumatize myself further so I will not talk about that horrible, _horrible_ experience.

When Auntie and sweet, _sweet_ Itoko showed up I grabbed my Yoshi and marched far _far_ away from the darkness. Yoshi couldn't be tainted by it.

Once we got to the park we played a couple of games while Nana chatted with the mothers present. We were playing with a ball, passing it around, unfortunately my Yoshi isn't really gifted in the motor-skills and the ball went behind some bushes and trees far from us.

Itoko also isn't also the brightest and didn't realize that little kids shouldn't go to dark shady places alone. Even in a family park. Yoshi was so adorable that he was practically carrying a sign that said "Please kidnap me!"

"Yoshi-chan! Wait up!" I followed but he had already disappeared behind the bushes.

I speed up and went to get him back.

Once I caught up with Yoshi he already had the pink ball in his arms but was standing still. "Come on, Itoko. Let's go back…"

"I don't think so, _bambina_."

The dark voice made me freeze. I slowly followed Tsunayoshi's gaze and saw a tall, tanned man in a suit. With a gun on his hand pointed directly at my little cousin.

I slid forward covering my cousin with my body. The fire in my head sparked.

"Move away, _ragazza_. My business is not with you." His dark eyes narrowed and his lips thinned. With one hand behind my back I signaled Yoshi to move back and hoped that he did.

"I seriously don't see how a little child could have a business with you." This was bad, very bad. I had to get Tsunayoshi out of here. And more importantly I had to calm the fire.

He had a sardonic smile at that. "Sadly his dad made some people really angry and the child will have to pay for that."

 _Oh hell no!_

"Sorry, piccola, but businesses are business. Nothing personal."

The second he took the safety off I shouted "Run!" and hoped that Tsunayoshi had gotten far enough.

Because one second later my world was set in fire.

And suddenly the pain was gone.

 **A.N.: sorry for not updating Saisei but I lost my pen drive with all my chapters! I have to rewrite all that I had from my several spaced out papers with little notes and with school and exams that's getting hard. But I felt really guilty about it so looking around in my computer to see if I had anything from Saisei saved up there I founded this! It was a half made-up idea that came up when I started reading KHR and with all the fanfiction I'm reading recently from KHR I guess it sparked up my interest again. I had to edit somethings but that was quick. Hope you like it! I'm working on rewritten the chapters that I lost and hopefully they will be better and the originals. The Shun in my head is quite pissed off at me…**


	2. Chapter 2: Shinigami follows

**Chapter 2: Shinigami follows (Wishing it was Ichigo)**

Year 5

 _Mi…mi…_

 _mi…n…_

 _Mimi-nee!_

"Mi-nee! Wake up!"

 _Yoshi…_

"Mi-nee! Please! I'm scared!"

Yoshi!

"Yo-osh…" mi lids were refusing to open but my brain overrode their will and I opened my eyes to a blurry Yoshi.

"Mi-nee!" he looked worried and dirty.

And it was snowing grey flakes?

 _Ashes_

"Yosh-ii … wha-t happen…?" there was fire and then nothing more…

"Ah! T-the bad man had a … a BANG!BANG! and you were all RUN and then and then! It was soo pretty! And mean! It pushed me!"

Whaat?

"Sl-ow… Wh-aat ws pre-ety?" my throat burned but I strangely had never felt better if not a bit drained.

"Ligh's! dheres dhis big green one! Dhat one push me! Far far away! And dhen dhere was dhe big vio-vio-viole'! and dhe red one! Dhe red one star'ed small and _eaded_! dhe viole' and grew and grew and I couldn' see notshing! And dhen dhey go away. And you dhere and everytshings grey. And dhe bad man wasn' dhere. -you dhink dhe green ligh' push him like me?- And you fall and go sleepy-sleepy and I dry wake you!"

O-key. Gods, this is going to do hell on my head.

Translation: There were three "Lights", green, violet and red. The green one pushed Yoshi. The big violet got eaten by the red one and covered me and the assassin. Only I remained.

The earth beneath me was black, scorched and so was everything around me in a five meter diameter. There was something white and grey ahead of me. Actually it was at the same distance the _Bad Man_ was. It looked like… bones.

Oh, gods.

I think I'm going to throw up.

"Mi-nee!"

XXX

Year 6

Around this time last year was when my world turned around. My first non-family human interaction, my first kill, my first day without the fire in my head. It was a rather important day in my opinion. A day that changed everything for me.

Not to those around me. Auntie never had a clue of what happened that day. She thought we got dirty from rough playing instead of being in a blaze of my own doing. Dad never found out either, he thought that me being more pleasant was from doing friends at the kindergarten instead of not having no more pain. Yoshi… well he did change a little. He now thought I was a Magical Girl or something, and it fed his whish of being a Mecha when he grew up. Yeah… I have no idea how that made sense either.

My favorite outcome of the event was my pain free existence. I always thought that the pain was a consequence of my previous memories, now I hesitate. The fire in my head exploded that day and manifested itself outwards, or as Yoshi called them " _pretty lights_ ", protecting Yoshi and myself while burning away _that man_. A week later the fire began to build up again but instead of repressing it I sneaked away at night and released it. It came as a burst of violet flame, no sign of red or green that Yoshi saw.

The pain that had begun to appear disappeared once the violet fire was released. After that I began to play around with it.

It was a weird thing. Didn't really burn anything unless I wanted it to, instead it clones things. Not only that, it also makes me stronger, faster, grumpier. A lot grumpier. I don't know, ever since I started using it I have been far more easily annoyed. Especially if it had to do Yoshi. I was almost … possessive? of him.

Since the violet one doesn't really burn and the green one pushed Yoshi away, it only leaves the red one to be able to … _kill_. Yoshi said that the red one started small and fed of the violet one. Considering that the violet one makes more than there was I suppose it multiplied the red flame enough to make damage.

I wonder… if the violet clones/multiplies whatever I want…what about cells? I multiply my strength and speed so I know I can internalize it, but if I can do that I would be capable of healing myself as I get hurt. I better study medicine before trying though… I don't want to give myself cancer or exploding my arm or something…

This is what I ponder about as I go to the next circle of hell.

The first circle was kindergarten.

The second is primary school.

Kami protect me when middle school starts… hormones will be the death of me.

High school is to traumatizing to ponder about.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Year 10

There were two more assassinations and one kidnapping attempts since the first one. Only luck kept Yoshi alive.

The second one was when I was seven and Yoshi five. It was summer and we were going for an ice cream. As we were passing an alley someone grabbed Yoshi and tried to slit his throat. Only that Yoshi fainted and the guy only cut some hairs. I pumped my flames thru my body faster than ever and before the guy could blink I crushed his skull with my fist.

My second kill was far more difficult than the first. That time I had blood and brain matter all over myself, on my hands. Nightmares were common for a long time.

Then came the kidnapping attempt. It wasn't even a month after the alley. Yoshi had insisted on sleeping over when he found out that I had trouble sleeping. It was three in the morning and I had awoken from a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep when I heard someone on the stairs. There was one step that always made noise and I knew it couldn't be Dad because he slept like the dead and Yoshi was with me. I never debuted that whoever it was they were after Yoshi. Uncle must have pissed off someone really persistent or several persons.

I took Yoshi out of his futon and hided him on my closet. I arranged some pillows in my bed to simulate myself and took Yoshi's place. I got in place just in time as someone opened my door. The shot "my" head with a gun with silencer and took Yoshi's futon with me inside. Once they were out of the house they got me in a car's trunk and drove away.

When they got wherever it was, they took me of the trunk and where surprised I was still "sleeping". Not once they checked if I was Tsunayoshi, incompetence must have been their middle name. I found out it was a guy, an Italian guy. Surprise, surprise.

He had taken me to some warehouse and left me in the ground. He started talking on the phone and there were a few words I got. Mainly Vongola, Estraneo and Fiamma dal Cielo. I killed him from behind with a metal pipe.

It took me three hours to get back.

The second assassination I wasn't there. Yoshi was six and the idiot decided not to wait for me and go home by himself. Once I got home he told me about a guy who talked strange and waved a gun around. They where on the bridge when some randome guy on a bike passed by and accidently pushed the would-be-assassin off the bridge. Apparently the assassin didn't know how to swim because Yoshi saw him drown. He was crying and asking me if it was his fault. I told him that the guy was a mermaid and that he went home _to sleep with the fish_.

Given everything that happened one could see how I would hate my Uncle Iemitsu. Given the stupid excuses that he gave my Aunt about his job and why he couldn't be with her that where enough to dislike him, the various attempts at Yoshi's life didn't endear him to me at all.

So when after six years of absence he showed up at Aunties house with his boss it would not be out of place for me to close the door on his face.

"Mi-chan who was it at the door?" Aunt Nana was humming and dancing around the kitchen preparing a feast.

"A hobo." My reply was firm and gave no place for uncertainty.

Ding~ Dong~!

"It must be a persistent hobo, Auntie. Don't worry, I will get rid of him." And went to the door again and once opened Iemitsu's horrible smiling face was still there.

"Nao-cha~an! How big you are! Give Uncle a hug!"

My face couldn't be more blank. "Wrong house." Just as I was going to close the door Auntie came from behind me.

"Mi-chan is the hobo still… Anata!"

And so my plan of getting rid of the pest was derailed.

Iemtsu's boss was called Timoteo and was… wait for it…. Italian. Yep, shocker.

He insisted on being called Nono and had an unhealthy interest on my cousin. Given our previous history with Italian men I never left him within five feets of Yoshi and was always in the middle.

My little cousin may not be the smartest or the most athletic eight years old but the boy had fine instincts and knew that man was trouble. So he left me to be as overbearing as I could while those two where at his home. The problem came from Iemitsu, again.

He insisted that Auntie took me with her shopping so Yoshi and him could have a "Men's Day" with his boss.

When we came back Yoshi was tripping over his own feet and had a stupid/confussed face. Not even an hour later Iemitsu and his Boss had left because of _an emergency in the Amazon site_. Amazon. As far as possible, construction should take place in areas where it will have least impact on biodiversity, so how can someone working traffic at construction sites as he says he does, work on the _Amazon_. Next he will be saying that he works at the North Pole!

He left and all there was of my cousin was a dumber and far clumsier version of himself. Even his eyes had changed. No longer where they a bright orange with hidden intelligence but dull brown that looked like those of a cow.

But the worst was that my cousin was left cold, with half a soul. No longer had my cousin felt like a warm bonfire… he didn't have left even an ember to bring him heat.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Year 13

It was the start of middle school and I felt like a failure.

All my tries to bring my cousin's fire back where a failure. All my tries to bring some of his memories back where a failure. All my tries to tutor him back to his previous levels where… a failure.

Not only that but everyone had started calling him Dame-Tsuna. Even Nana-san. I forgave my Aunt for many things. If she forgot to feed Yoshi I would reminded her or just do it myself, if she forgot to make him a bento I would buy one for him as we went to school, if she joked about his clumsiness or less than stellar academic record I could distract him with games and compliments. But to call your own son by the name he is ridiculed and bullied every day, to complain about how disappointing and unlike his father he is in his face… Unforgivable…

And how it **_burned_**. How it burned that I could do **nothing** about it. No matter how much I tried I couldn't bring the old Tsunayoshi back.

It was all **_his_** fault. And he got himself killed. The day Yoshi came to me confused because his mother told him Iemitsu had "gone away to become a star" I had to explain to him what death meant. He went and died and Yoshi was left with half a soul and me with no way to fix him.

I did everything I could to protect my cousin. I took Krav Maga classes, I took hapkido classes, I learned how to use a staff. I learned how to throw knives and how to shot. I knew how to fight hand to hand and with weapons. I could fight from short range, mid range and long range. I always carried some kind of weapon on me.

When they came for Yoshi again when I was twelve I **_destroyed_** them. Whoever hired got smarter or was a different guy because he sent a group to kill Yoshi. Too bad for those four guys they weren't prepared for me.

As I walked to school I spun one of my throwing knives on my finger and tried to think of a new way to free Yoshi's fire.

Something silver flashed towards me and I barely dodge.

A tall thirteen year old boy was prowling towards me. He had black hair, his fringe in an "M" shape, grey eyes, dressed in black pants, a long sleeved shirt and a black gakuran top over his shoulders with something red pinned in one of the sleeves. He had a pair of tonfas on his hands. I looked behind me and there was a third tonfa pinned to the wall.

Looking behind me was a mistake as I had to suddenly doge again, this time a strike with the tonfas, the boy looming over me glaring.

"Herbivore, carrying weapons with no- authorization of the Discipline Committee is against the rules. For breaking the rules… _kamikorosu_."

Is it wrong that I feel mildly aroused by him?

 ** _The dreaded hormones awaken!_**

 **A.N: Some things I forgot last time.**

 **Sawada Tsunayoshi** **沢田** **綱吉**

 **YOSHI from Japanese** **吉** **"good luck",** **義** **"righteous", or** **良** **"good".**

 **In Tsuna's name Yoshi is written as in good luck. So everytime Naomi calls him Yoshi she's wishing him good luck. He's going to need it.**

 **Naomi - From Japanese** **直** **(nao) "honest, straight" and** **美** **(mi) "beautiful" (usually feminine) or** **己** **(mi) "self" (usually masculine) My Naomi's name is written** **直美**

 **Nanami (Naomi's mother) -** **七** **(nana) "seven" and** **海** **(mi) "sea". It can also come from** **菜** **(na) "vegetables, greens" duplicated and** **美** **(mi) "beautiful". Nanami's name is written** **七海** **.**

 **Nana (Tsuna's mother) - From a duplication of Japanese** **菜** **(na) "vegetables, greens" or** **奈** **(na), a phonetic character. Sawada Nana** **沢田** **奈々** **, so cannon Nana's name is the second.**

 **Why did I select all the names with 'Na'? for one Cannon Nana's insistence to be called Mama always seemed a bit odd to me. It could be that she at least subconsciously realizes that she's not a very good mother and tries to bury that by trying to be as motherly as possible with strangers. Or her own name brings bad memories, like sharing part of the name of her dead older sister. And that's how Nanami was born. And since it could be a family tradition to name the girls with 'Na' that's how Naomi's name was chosen. Other possibilities were Nao-ki and Nao-ko which share the same character for Nao, Na is always vegetables, greens or a phonetic character so I didn't like Na-tsuki even though I do like the tsuki part that means moon. Natsu-ko and Natsu-mi were also possibilities Natsu means summer and I really like Natsumi but one of my favorites fanfictions already has the main character called Natsumi so I didn't want to repeat it. By the way that fanfiction is called Déjà vu no Jutsu by Vixen Tail, if you like Naruto it's one of the best fanfics I have read.**

 **Very little dialogues. I'm disappointed on myself but I was tired of rewriting this over and over.**


End file.
